A Seeming Contradiction

yesterday brought a weird mixture of pain and peace. weird how that happens.

after a long road, we had to say goodbye to our little kitty of ten years yesterday afternoon. it's always weird how the loss of a treasured pet can leave such a hole in your heart. bah. somehow, through all of the discussions my family has had over this cat...all of my tears and trying to learn to see things from other people's perspectives... even though it all came to this awful ending... crazy enough, i think my family has been brought closer. we've learned to relate and communicate better...to sympathize. pain and peace.

then last night, after two and half weeks of feeling "great", i had another bump in the road. all i did was vacuum ONE room and sweep two...and suddenly i was flat on my back EXHAUSTED. a good 24 hours later, here i am, unable to stand up without clinging to a piece of furniture and hanging onto it for dear life while the room stops spinning. mm. here in this place again.

and yet, it seems there is this finality--this peaceful assurance--and i finally see that i am truly NOT ready to be back at school...that my body truly cannot take "life" as i knew it before-- not yet. it will come. but i don't think it has come. i want so badly to be back...but i want all the more to follow what HE has planned for me. is this the confirmation i've been looking for? mm.

One of the many verses I've clung to recently:

“You, Oh Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God?” Psalm 18:28-31

He's not confused. He's not having timing issues.

His way is perfect.

tonight brought a long nap on the couch and an overdose of PURE JOY: the team is in the process of reserving FLIGHTS TO UGANDA.

oh goodness. i wanna run around the neighborhood and shout for joy. :) may 21-june 30.