Till my heart...

there is something quite comforting about spitting one's thoughts into the humongous world of the web. i haven't done it in many moons, and i feel quite stifled.

i could simply be talking to....me.

but alas, tonight i just need to type these rushing thoughts.

these past two weeks i have encountered "random" spurts of verbal encouragement that have brought refreshment to deep and dry places in my heart. but like dry and cracked earth, i am having quite the difficult time soaking up the newly found water. belief seems difficult to come by. apparently...somehow...my life has bumped up against people around me...and here and there has ignited hearts for something greater. has created a thirst...soothed a wound...fanned a flame...for Jesus.

every time i look back on these words of refreshment, my shocked heart responds with, "really?! really, a mark for the Kingdom is left through myyyy life?!" and simultaneously, the tears come.

i can't seem to wrap my mind around what is going on in my heart right now.

i feel so small. so insignificant. so much smaller than i'm expected to be.

...but WHERE do these expectations come from? AH.

i so desire to live a life that matters. ha. there is no question about that.

is there some wrongly-based belief in me that tells me i can't do that? is THAT why i am so taken aback when someone would give evidence that they've been impacted?

things are starting to click.

whew. here come the tears again.

i think i feel disqualified to run. yeah...i was running this race with Jesus well a couple of years back. [maybe i still am..] i was running really really hard. seeing crazy fruit. seeing changes in me. falling in love with Him.

and i guess somewhere along the way, the enemy started an onslaught of arrows... [picturing mr. incredible struck by the downpour of sticky black spheres right about now...]

and i started to consider his lies...

and started to entertain his twisted thoughts...

and started to grow discouraged.

how ridiculous. wow. i feel like a failure cause i haven't gotten well.

i'm still sick.

yikes. what a funny statement when you look at it in the face.

but yes. this is--at least in part-- the hub of my confusion and discouragement.

SATAN, you are SUCH A LIAR.

true: i don't know why i'm still sick.

true: i am still showing signs of being sick.

true: i have tried really hard to take care of myself and "get well."

some days i feel good. some days i don't.

but maaaaybe i can't CONTROL whether i'm still sick or not. [that's not a profound realization...that's more like a SHOUT in the face of the enemy.]

He sees me.

now. right now.

and He still likes me. Oh HEART. receive it!

Psalm 84:10. i have no idea what it says. but it just popped into my head and i'm gonna go look it up. haha.

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

mmm. reminds me of what the dude at the pulpit said on sunday: "if you had the choice between God being really close and really REALY close...would you take the really REALLY close? ...hard things help with that."

if i was to quote that verse above, would i mean it? really. do i choose life with Him regardless of the circumstances...? or would i choose the close friendship and buddy-buddyhood of those who oppose His name and "prosper" in their independence from Him?

i must mean that verse. i must. He is my Love. i already signed my life to Him. i don't decide tonight whether i'll stick it out with Him or not. ha. i decided that a long time ago.

i think it's time to get on my face before Him and soak in His presence.

goodnight homies.