Ramblings of a heart that doesn’t understand.

Another post from the this past season in life...

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I LOVE MUSIC.

I wanna spend my life loving kiddos. I miss little hands. Sticky faces. Faces covered in wonder. Faces covered in unhindered joy. I miss this…more than I realized I ever could. I want to run around and be silly with those who get pushed aside and ignored.

Africa. India. In the slums. Downtown dallas. LOVING the rejected.

I wanna cry. Out of frustration. Out of pity for myself. I want people to UNDERSTAND how HARD this is. I want to go numb. want to just give up. Over missing things I once held so close--but have had to let go of. I want to quit stuffing my feelings. I want to learn to communicate. …and then I want to cry over my own selfishness. My own forgetfulness…for those who are undergoing pain that I have never come close to. I want to get a grip and learn to deny myself. I want to look to Hope. He endured so much more than I have. His hand is wise. His heart is good. I HAVE tasted it. It’s like I want to SEE IT and FEEL IT and WALK in His goodness…and yet, isn’t that what I am doing?! Who can deny that the Lord has been SO SO good to me during this time? How can I be so blind and choose not to look around His goodness? …does anyone else find faith tiring?

I want to pray more.

Is the enemy in the middle of some assault on the Faithful across the world? It seems everywhere I turn there are attacks. Lies. Discouragment. Confusion. Death. Sickness. Grief.
And is THIS where my ministry lies for these days? Prayer? Intercession? My heart wants desperately to battle for the fatherless, the destitute, and outcast. I want to GO. But…is it pride? For the Father has not sent me this week, has He? He has put me here. At home, with mono. I don’t get it. but I know He’s good. And to leave would be to disobey, wouldn’t it? But to sit here and wish I was somewhere else…

It seems daily I find myself at a new split in the road—with about a billion choices.

What choice will I make today?