three thoughts at 3:00 a.m.

Thought #1
I am changing.
I had several moments of pure frustration tonight. For some reason, the people around me did NOT seem to take note of nor want to roll with my particular agenda for the evening. The paper towel stand wouldn’t cooperate. A stupid fork got stuck in the dishwasher door. Parents asked questions when I didn’t feel like talking. BAH. I could feel the aggravation rising in my heart. Seriously, how could everything seem so frustrating tonight?

In the middle of it all, I felt the Lord sweetly knocking on my heart…reminding me that I am here to SERVE…not to be served.

I TOTALLY had turned my eyes onto myself and was %100 concerned with…ME.

…and that made all the difference in the world.

When my motivation is to LOVE and to SERVE, the silliest, most tedious tasks are greeted with JOY.

If I had been up two hours past the time I desired to go to bed tonight for the sole purpose of showing the love of Jesus, I’m pretty sure my annoyance would have melted away.

But I’m excited to say that this impatience-frustration thing that I experienced tonight…is occurring less and less often. HE IS CHANGING ME.

Hallelujah. My life of “set” ways is not a hopeless case.

Thought #2
I don’t understand prayer. But I want to.

Sometimes I let my confusion over how intercession works drive me to pretty much throw it out the window…rather than drive me to delight in this peculiar communication with GOD that moves mountains.

But the Word says, “The effective prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.”

I don’t know what “effective prayer” is supposed to look like exactly. But I know that I know that I know that there have been times in my life where I have prayed…and seen things happen. It’s weird…half of that time I feel like I’m talking to the wall…or myself. But God still heard. Even in my puny faith.

Oh to pray effectively. OH to see breakthroughs in the lives of hurting people around me.

But to have different results, I must have different input.


Thought #3
God has a massive amount of LOVE for me.

Passionate, expansive, self-sacrificing devotion.

I’ve always had a hard time “grasping” God’s love…for ME. I knew it in my head, and don’t get me wrong, it was awesome. But when it came down to my heart, there was disbelief. I KNEW I was loved, but I very rarely felt moved or overwhelmed by His love. There was a disconnect there. I decided a while back that it was something I personally wouldn’t experience this side of heaven.

But I was wrong. And I’m SO glad that I was wrong.

If anyone else out there has struggled in the same way I have…I encourage you: surrender your pride…your belief that your view of yourself trumps God’s view of you. Ask God to open your eyes. Find scriptures about God’s love for YOU and replay them over and over and over again in your mind. Sing songs about His love for YOU. When you hear “I LOVE you” in your head, don’t drown it out with your own excuses and lies.

It’s real.

And it’s a beautiful thing to revel in.