ABIDE

 ^"If you remain in Me 

and My words remain in you, 

ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 

This is to My Father’s glory,

 that you bear much fruit, 

showing yourselves to be my disciples." 

[John 15:7-8]

Truth.

Meno. "to remain, abide, dwell...endure, last; to persevere...to stand firm or steadfast...to remain alive...to wait for." [Word Study NT]

...not just in His principles, His paths, His ways...

Abide/dwell/wait for/stand firm or steadfast

IN

the person of Jesus.

This song has been tilling the soil of my heart.

choose hope.

what's up with nights like tonight...?

nights when i have the faintest motivation to do anything i'm supposed to do. ha. and i feel rather like life is a cyclical unfolding of to do's.

AY. surely it must be a normal human-y thing, but i usually don't think of that. and thus feel like a pathetic loser.

BUT just because it's "normal", doesn't mean i have to go with it...

(and here's where i usually embrace a "Hey. It's a good opportunity to grow in self-control and discipline!" mindset. aaaand I get up and go on with life. OR... I continue in my blah-ness, and wait til feelings shift or circumstances "force" me to get going again.)

but i think there's a deeper and truer solution.

even self-control and discipline are intended to be ROOTED IN LOVE, right?

i zoom in on me...and for me, boredom usually hits. inside of that deadly mindset of considering myself to be more important than everyone else, i lack love, and thus...lack passion. hmm.

hope deferred makes the heart sick.

there's not much hope in and OF myself.

but love... LOVE drives people to do crazy things.

duty versus love.

this has been a season of the Lord sifting my actions and showing me how greatly influenced i am by duty...and how void many of my actions have been of love.

just some thoughts....

Till my heart...

there is something quite comforting about spitting one's thoughts into the humongous world of the web. i haven't done it in many moons, and i feel quite stifled.

i could simply be talking to....me.

but alas, tonight i just need to type these rushing thoughts.

these past two weeks i have encountered "random" spurts of verbal encouragement that have brought refreshment to deep and dry places in my heart. but like dry and cracked earth, i am having quite the difficult time soaking up the newly found water. belief seems difficult to come by. apparently...somehow...my life has bumped up against people around me...and here and there has ignited hearts for something greater. has created a thirst...soothed a wound...fanned a flame...for Jesus.

every time i look back on these words of refreshment, my shocked heart responds with, "really?! really, a mark for the Kingdom is left through myyyy life?!" and simultaneously, the tears come.

i can't seem to wrap my mind around what is going on in my heart right now.

i feel so small. so insignificant. so much smaller than i'm expected to be.

...but WHERE do these expectations come from? AH.

i so desire to live a life that matters. ha. there is no question about that.

is there some wrongly-based belief in me that tells me i can't do that? is THAT why i am so taken aback when someone would give evidence that they've been impacted?

things are starting to click.

whew. here come the tears again.

i think i feel disqualified to run. yeah...i was running this race with Jesus well a couple of years back. [maybe i still am..] i was running really really hard. seeing crazy fruit. seeing changes in me. falling in love with Him.

and i guess somewhere along the way, the enemy started an onslaught of arrows... [picturing mr. incredible struck by the downpour of sticky black spheres right about now...]

and i started to consider his lies...

and started to entertain his twisted thoughts...

and started to grow discouraged.

how ridiculous. wow. i feel like a failure cause i haven't gotten well.

i'm still sick.

yikes. what a funny statement when you look at it in the face.

but yes. this is--at least in part-- the hub of my confusion and discouragement.

SATAN, you are SUCH A LIAR.

true: i don't know why i'm still sick.

true: i am still showing signs of being sick.

true: i have tried really hard to take care of myself and "get well."

some days i feel good. some days i don't.

but maaaaybe i can't CONTROL whether i'm still sick or not. [that's not a profound realization...that's more like a SHOUT in the face of the enemy.]

He sees me.

now. right now.

and He still likes me. Oh HEART. receive it!

Psalm 84:10. i have no idea what it says. but it just popped into my head and i'm gonna go look it up. haha.

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

mmm. reminds me of what the dude at the pulpit said on sunday: "if you had the choice between God being really close and really REALY close...would you take the really REALLY close? ...hard things help with that."

if i was to quote that verse above, would i mean it? really. do i choose life with Him regardless of the circumstances...? or would i choose the close friendship and buddy-buddyhood of those who oppose His name and "prosper" in their independence from Him?

i must mean that verse. i must. He is my Love. i already signed my life to Him. i don't decide tonight whether i'll stick it out with Him or not. ha. i decided that a long time ago.

i think it's time to get on my face before Him and soak in His presence.

goodnight homies.

must.

update.

soon.

More thoughts...

I’m tired of apathy. But more frustrated with a lack of ACTION. We sit and talk about the issues of our world, comment on “how sad” the situations are across our globe…”feel bad” about the poverty and starvation that many are faced with.

But we are not moved.

I want to be moved.

And I want my life to be a tool. A tool that MOVES people to REALLY love. to REALLY feel compassion. To REALLY DO something.

I’m tired of living a life that always looks from the outside and doesn’t break out of my comfort to DO something.

If we REALLY cared, more than we care about ourselves, we would DO something.

Move me Jesus.

a backwards mindset...

Some more thoughts from the spring...

------
CHOOSE to meditate upon an aspect of GOD’S character Every day…to remind yourself of WHO HE is…if you keep in mind the truth of his character and plain amazingness…you will have a more difficult time falling into spiritual amnesia. :)

How much of my life do I live thinking that GOD is here to do MY bidding…to bless me and answer my questions and comfort me and show me where to take my life…But in all honesty… It’s about HIM. He is God.

Jess, He doesn’t owe you an account for the things He has done or is doing. You are the one who owes Him an account—not the other way around. “Can you worship a god who isn’t obligated to explain his actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation? Do you really believe that compared to God, “all the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing”—including you?” (Crazy Love 33-34)

[thoughts on missions]

“Yes, missionaries need theological training (everybody agrees with that); but they also need cross-cultural training which addresses issues directly related to life and ministry on the foreign field. This includes topics such as spiritual warfare, coping strategies for culture stress, interpersonal relationship training, and training in culture and worldview. Missionaries need to know how to learn a language when there’s no available language school, how to produce all the vocal sounds which are not inherent to their native tongue, how to evangelize and disciple people having different learning styles and those who have had no previous understanding of the Bible – people who have never seen or heard of a Bible or Jesus Christ. This is why any college that claims to provide missionary training that does not include these vital areas is not going to help your missionary candidates survive on the field. Additionally, this is also why hanging out and helping around the local church will not fully prepare a person for the cross-cultural challenges he will face. Neither of these processes alone serve to equip missionaries with the skills they need to operate as cross-cultural workers for Christ.”

“Sometimes, a pastor is tempted to allow a missionary go to the field even though he knows in his heart that, that person or his wife should not go right now because of sin, lack of preparation, some maturity issue, or a failure to demonstrate personal evangelism and discipleship passion in the local church.”

“What is needed today is for leaders to recognize this need for special training and to “bar the door” to the exit ramp for anyone who fails to prepare adequately. Imagine telling me that your son has decided to go to war, and I suggested that he go straight to the conflict without any training. I might argue: “He is a man. He is in his mid-twenties. He has already wasted a few years by not having gone when he was younger. They really need him over there right now. Besides, at his age as a young adult, he probably has enough life experience under his belt that he does not need any special training.” You would probably look at me in disbelief, thinking that I was crazy for suggesting such a thing. You might respond, “He is going into combat. He is going to be experiencing things that he has never faced before. He NEEDS SPECIAL TRAINING for that!” You might even accuse me of being “off my rocker,” ignorant of the nature of combat, or apathetic to your son’s well-being (irresponsible); consequently, you would be right. We should feel the same way about missions – anybody failing to see the need for special training is crazy, ignorant, or irresponsible. Let’s make sure that none of these people are leaders of churches and sending agencies.”

--http://www.bswe.org/content/view/302/2/