This Life Unfolded

Till my heart...

2011-09-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

there is something quite comforting about spitting one's thoughts into the humongous world of the web. i haven't done it in many moons, and i feel quite stifled.

i could simply be talking to....me.

but alas, tonight i just need to type these rushing thoughts.

these past two weeks i have encountered "random" spurts of verbal encouragement that have brought refreshment to deep and dry places in my heart. but like dry and cracked earth, i am having quite the difficult time soaking up the newly found water. belief seems difficult to come by. apparently...somehow...my life has bumped up against people around me...and here and there has ignited hearts for something greater. has created a thirst...soothed a wound...fanned a flame...for Jesus.

every time i look back on these words of refreshment, my shocked heart responds with, "really?! really, a mark for the Kingdom is left through myyyy life?!" and simultaneously, the tears come.

i can't seem to wrap my mind around what is going on in my heart right now.

i feel so small. so insignificant. so much smaller than i'm expected to be.

...but WHERE do these expectations come from? AH.

i so desire to live a life that matters. ha. there is no question about that.

is there some wrongly-based belief in me that tells me i can't do that? is THAT why i am so taken aback when someone would give evidence that they've been impacted?

things are starting to click.

whew. here come the tears again.

i think i feel disqualified to run. yeah...i was running this race with Jesus well a couple of years back. [maybe i still am..] i was running really really hard. seeing crazy fruit. seeing changes in me. falling in love with Him.

and i guess somewhere along the way, the enemy started an onslaught of arrows... [picturing mr. incredible struck by the downpour of sticky black spheres right about now...]

and i started to consider his lies...

and started to entertain his twisted thoughts...

and started to grow discouraged.

how ridiculous. wow. i feel like a failure cause i haven't gotten well.

i'm still sick.

yikes. what a funny statement when you look at it in the face.

but yes. this is--at least in part-- the hub of my confusion and discouragement.

SATAN, you are SUCH A LIAR.

true: i don't know why i'm still sick.

true: i am still showing signs of being sick.

true: i have tried really hard to take care of myself and "get well."

some days i feel good. some days i don't.

but maaaaybe i can't CONTROL whether i'm still sick or not. [that's not a profound realization...that's more like a SHOUT in the face of the enemy.]

He sees me.

now. right now.

and He still likes me. Oh HEART. receive it!

Psalm 84:10. i have no idea what it says. but it just popped into my head and i'm gonna go look it up. haha.

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

mmm. reminds me of what the dude at the pulpit said on sunday: "if you had the choice between God being really close and really REALY close...would you take the really REALLY close? ...hard things help with that."

if i was to quote that verse above, would i mean it? really. do i choose life with Him regardless of the circumstances...? or would i choose the close friendship and buddy-buddyhood of those who oppose His name and "prosper" in their independence from Him?

i must mean that verse. i must. He is my Love. i already signed my life to Him. i don't decide tonight whether i'll stick it out with Him or not. ha. i decided that a long time ago.

i think it's time to get on my face before Him and soak in His presence.

goodnight homies.

2009-10-15T13:50:00.001-07:00

must.

update.

soon.

More thoughts...

2009-08-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

I’m tired of apathy. But more frustrated with a lack of ACTION. We sit and talk about the issues of our world, comment on “how sad” the situations are across our globe…”feel bad” about the poverty and starvation that many are faced with.

But we are not moved.

I want to be moved.

And I want my life to be a tool. A tool that MOVES people to REALLY love. to REALLY feel compassion. To REALLY DO something.

I’m tired of living a life that always looks from the outside and doesn’t break out of my comfort to DO something.

If we REALLY cared, more than we care about ourselves, we would DO something.

Move me Jesus.

a backwards mindset...

2009-08-15T14:22:00.001-07:00

Some more thoughts from the spring...

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CHOOSE to meditate upon an aspect of GOD’S character Every day…to remind yourself of WHO HE is…if you keep in mind the truth of his character and plain amazingness…you will have a more difficult time falling into spiritual amnesia. :)

How much of my life do I live thinking that GOD is here to do MY bidding…to bless me and answer my questions and comfort me and show me where to take my life…But in all honesty… It’s about HIM. He is God.

Jess, He doesn’t owe you an account for the things He has done or is doing. You are the one who owes Him an account—not the other way around. “Can you worship a god who isn’t obligated to explain his actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation? Do you really believe that compared to God, “all the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing”—including you?” (Crazy Love 33-34)

[thoughts on missions]

2009-08-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

“Yes, missionaries need theological training (everybody agrees with that); but they also need cross-cultural training which addresses issues directly related to life and ministry on the foreign field. This includes topics such as spiritual warfare, coping strategies for culture stress, interpersonal relationship training, and training in culture and worldview. Missionaries need to know how to learn a language when there’s no available language school, how to produce all the vocal sounds which are not inherent to their native tongue, how to evangelize and disciple people having different learning styles and those who have had no previous understanding of the Bible – people who have never seen or heard of a Bible or Jesus Christ. This is why any college that claims to provide missionary training that does not include these vital areas is not going to help your missionary candidates survive on the field. Additionally, this is also why hanging out and helping around the local church will not fully prepare a person for the cross-cultural challenges he will face. Neither of these processes alone serve to equip missionaries with the skills they need to operate as cross-cultural workers for Christ.”

“Sometimes, a pastor is tempted to allow a missionary go to the field even though he knows in his heart that, that person or his wife should not go right now because of sin, lack of preparation, some maturity issue, or a failure to demonstrate personal evangelism and discipleship passion in the local church.”

“What is needed today is for leaders to recognize this need for special training and to “bar the door” to the exit ramp for anyone who fails to prepare adequately. Imagine telling me that your son has decided to go to war, and I suggested that he go straight to the conflict without any training. I might argue: “He is a man. He is in his mid-twenties. He has already wasted a few years by not having gone when he was younger. They really need him over there right now. Besides, at his age as a young adult, he probably has enough life experience under his belt that he does not need any special training.” You would probably look at me in disbelief, thinking that I was crazy for suggesting such a thing. You might respond, “He is going into combat. He is going to be experiencing things that he has never faced before. He NEEDS SPECIAL TRAINING for that!” You might even accuse me of being “off my rocker,” ignorant of the nature of combat, or apathetic to your son’s well-being (irresponsible); consequently, you would be right. We should feel the same way about missions – anybody failing to see the need for special training is crazy, ignorant, or irresponsible. Let’s make sure that none of these people are leaders of churches and sending agencies.”

--http://www.bswe.org/content/view/302/2/

Ramblings of a heart that doesn’t understand.

2009-08-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

Another post from the this past season in life...

----
I LOVE MUSIC.

I wanna spend my life loving kiddos. I miss little hands. Sticky faces. Faces covered in wonder. Faces covered in unhindered joy. I miss this…more than I realized I ever could. I want to run around and be silly with those who get pushed aside and ignored.

Africa. India. In the slums. Downtown dallas. LOVING the rejected.

I wanna cry. Out of frustration. Out of pity for myself. I want people to UNDERSTAND how HARD this is. I want to go numb. want to just give up. Over missing things I once held so close--but have had to let go of. I want to quit stuffing my feelings. I want to learn to communicate. …and then I want to cry over my own selfishness. My own forgetfulness…for those who are undergoing pain that I have never come close to. I want to get a grip and learn to deny myself. I want to look to Hope. He endured so much more than I have. His hand is wise. His heart is good. I HAVE tasted it. It’s like I want to SEE IT and FEEL IT and WALK in His goodness…and yet, isn’t that what I am doing?! Who can deny that the Lord has been SO SO good to me during this time? How can I be so blind and choose not to look around His goodness? …does anyone else find faith tiring?

I want to pray more.

Is the enemy in the middle of some assault on the Faithful across the world? It seems everywhere I turn there are attacks. Lies. Discouragment. Confusion. Death. Sickness. Grief.
And is THIS where my ministry lies for these days? Prayer? Intercession? My heart wants desperately to battle for the fatherless, the destitute, and outcast. I want to GO. But…is it pride? For the Father has not sent me this week, has He? He has put me here. At home, with mono. I don’t get it. but I know He’s good. And to leave would be to disobey, wouldn’t it? But to sit here and wish I was somewhere else…

It seems daily I find myself at a new split in the road—with about a billion choices.

What choice will I make today?

Dropping in to say hello...

2009-08-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

So I know that this poor blog is much in need of an update. Seeing that May 7th was my last post, it seems I have a bit of catching up to do. :) I guess that will come soon enough...for i have a lot of processing to do.

But for now, I wanted to post something from several months back that I never published...just as a reminder to myself...and maybe it will come as an encouragement to some other soul. Who knows.

-----------
Thought #1 of the night:

Libya? I’m rather sure the Lord stuck this word upon my heart last night (as I lay in bed sleepless…sounds all too familiar) …and shortly thereafter, reminded me that it was a country in Africa. Ha. interesting.

I have been so challenged by this little book “Crazy Love”. The ponderings mentioned above were the result of asking God--with a heart that was truly desperate to seek and listen--what HIS dreams for my life held. I don't think I've ever done that before. This little red book has reminded me that I DO NOT want to live my life short of what He has designed.

This morning in my time with Him I asked the same question. Listened for a bit. And then part of a lyric…

“…the song of the redeemed…”

I thought for a second. What was that from? Sounded so familiar…And how was that supposed to relate to my question? Then the next line unfolded…

“…rising from the African plain…”

Oh golly. So uh…I don’t know what exactly God’s doing in this heart of mine, but if I’m hearing Him right, it seems his voice is sounding clearer and clearer. I’m slightly freaked out. In a good way.

Muffins

2009-05-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

"Take great pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress may be evident to all." 1 Timothy 4:15

Friday morning and afternoon I all alone at the house, working on various tasks and to do lists. The house was super quiet and the rain wasn't helping much. I wanted to be with people. But alas, no one was home. With my only mode of transportation being my legs, a change in the events of the day wasn't likely.

On top of all that, I had a craving for muffins. Muffins and coffee. Silly craving that wouldn't go away...

So I finally broke down and decided I was going to have a date with Jesus, my bible...and of course muffins and coffee.

My realization that I need to learn how to better use my camera before Uganda led to a documentation. :]

2 minutes into it...

6 minutes into it...

yum!

Don't worry, there is a point to all of this. :) So these funny little muffins had a lemony glaze to put on top after they were cooked...and as I was putting it on, as the glaze just poured out of the package, I realized that I could hit a lot of muffins--cover a lot of ground-- super fast! It was kinda fun, watching the glaze hit the muffin, coat it, and drip off... Mmm...

But then, when I tasted a muffin, I suddenly realized how amazing that glaze really was...and as a result, when it was time for muffin #2, I didn't want the muffins that had received their wee bit of glaze and looked lovely. I wanted a muffin that was DRENCHED in this stuff...and of course, when I finally found it, I pulled the glaze package out and began dousing my poor muffin in it.

I sat back down at the table and looked down at the passage that I had just read in 1 Timothy... enjoying my crumbly muffin. "Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress may be evident to all." Wait a second, this muffin event wasn't just about a sweet treat while I spent time in the word after all, was it? That's when it began to click...isn't that so like me and scripture?! I am so quick to glaze over it all and try to cover as much ground as possible...but when I taste the fruit of a life lived that way...I realize it's sweet, but kinda lacking. I realized that we only get the full FLAVOR of the Word when we stop moving and just soak in it.

How beautiful. Oh Lord, make me like a soggy muffin bursting with flavor!!!

Ridiculously Blessed.

2009-04-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

Good grief.

I feel like I'm going to pop out of my skin out of overwhelming thankfulness.

Some "cherries" on top of my blessed life:

The ability to run. what a precious precious gift. and running in the rain? 10 million times better. and running in the rain with lecrae flooding through my speakers? um...something close to bliss.

My fuzzy cat. Haha. But really, what a gift it is to have someone who doesn't even NOTICE my failures and never ceases to love me. EVER. Plus, he's rather cute.

Changing weather. I used to only like sunny days. Now I'm pretty in love with the rain...it makes things GROW. Sometimes it seems kinda dreary and bleak...but it brings LIFE.

My laptop. I DO NOT in any shape, form, or fashion deserve a computer. what a ridiculous thing for an individual to possess. but what a TREMENDOUS blessing. I got this computer for $11-- the cost of shipping. My last computer [oh my gosh, i've had multiple computers...how ridiculously blessed I am!] had some wacky defect and due to rebates and nice people, they replaced it for free. It is SUCH a blessing to me. A place to WRITE. A place to connect with friends. A place to research. A place to read blogs that change my life [okay, really ONE BLOG]. A place to find and listen to life-giving and refreshing music.

The fact that my parents are committed to each other. I don't think about this very often, but OH MY GOODNESS. this is in and of itself--without me even stopping to NOTICE it %99.9 of the time-- is something that has completely changed my life from what it could be. it could be SO different.

The opportunity to go to Uganda. the gift of propelling through the sky in a metal tube...over oceans and continents. again, ridiculous. the opportunity to show LOVE to precious children. the opportunity to say farewell to life as I know it now...to step inside of another culture and continent...to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting community of beautiful people. my heart feels like it is busting at the seams. I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS. Oh Jesus, you are so KIND.

God's humor and precious reminders in my life. For a long while I've wanted to purchase and begin to write in a journal for the potential Beloved in my life...prayers, notes, verses...but I had never quite hit that point where I felt like it would be a WISE thing...you know? (Yeah, I'm probably not making any sense, but whatever...) Anyway, as I was driving back from a meeting today, I felt a tug on my heart to go to Barnes and Noble and pick one out. Really, God? Peace. Mmm. Peace is good. Get there...start walking to the journals...and I see it. Ha. No, nothing super special about that journal...but it just seemed...right? Look at the price. HA. NO. Put it back. Keep looking...looking, looking, looking. Too girly...too small...too...leathery? Look back at the first one. Nah. Hmm..I'll take a walk around the store to think about it... Walk walk walk... come back. Yup. Expensive or not, that's the one.

Walk up to the check out...pull out my debit card...scan... TOTAL: $29.11.

IMMEDIATELY: Jeremiah 29:11 "Jessica, I KNOW the plans I have for you."

AH. Ridiculous.

I am so thankful for my precious Redeemer.

This Life Unfolded: Mononucleosis Style

2009-04-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

I used to sleep 5-6 hours a night. Now it’s more like 11-12. Advil pm is my best friend. That’s not even mentioning naps. ;)

I used to do the 20lb weight thing…now I lift 3lb weights. Haha.

My internal thermostat has suddenly decided that my toes and fingers are always cold. I used to ALWAYS wear flipflops—even in the winter. I now usually have 1-2 pairs of sock on.

I used to function on 1-2 cups of coffee a day…Now I have trouble remembering what it tastes like. Maybe this is somehow related to that new found sleep thing…:)

Allergy meds and certain foods I used to eat all the time now make me dizzy. Still trying to figure this one out.

I used to wonder at my inadequacies.

Now I’m SURE of them.

But HE IS GREATER.

My heart has forever been changed by the season begun in September 2008. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. My strength—physically, mentally, and emotionally—was stripped away. But He is GRACIOUS! I truly believe the Lord allowed this so that I could find out what my true source of strength is.

This is an excerpt from a passage that the Lord began to engrain in me in the fall. May these words nourish your soul!

This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
[Jeremiah 17:5-8]

HE IS LIFE.

and He is ALL that we need.

love.love.love.

2009-04-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

I love LOVE.

Pure, selfless, unhindered love.

"...And the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me."
[Galatians 2:20]

2009-04-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.hisbasecamp.com/40dayfast.html

my heart breaks.

oh jesus, i want to do more.

change me and put YOUR heart inside of me!

i have lived such a selfish life.

three thoughts at 3:00 a.m.

2009-04-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

Thought #1
I am changing.
I had several moments of pure frustration tonight. For some reason, the people around me did NOT seem to take note of nor want to roll with my particular agenda for the evening. The paper towel stand wouldn’t cooperate. A stupid fork got stuck in the dishwasher door. Parents asked questions when I didn’t feel like talking. BAH. I could feel the aggravation rising in my heart. Seriously, how could everything seem so frustrating tonight?

In the middle of it all, I felt the Lord sweetly knocking on my heart…reminding me that I am here to SERVE…not to be served.

I TOTALLY had turned my eyes onto myself and was %100 concerned with…ME.

…and that made all the difference in the world.

When my motivation is to LOVE and to SERVE, the silliest, most tedious tasks are greeted with JOY.

If I had been up two hours past the time I desired to go to bed tonight for the sole purpose of showing the love of Jesus, I’m pretty sure my annoyance would have melted away.

But I’m excited to say that this impatience-frustration thing that I experienced tonight…is occurring less and less often. HE IS CHANGING ME.

Hallelujah. My life of “set” ways is not a hopeless case.

Thought #2
I don’t understand prayer. But I want to.

Sometimes I let my confusion over how intercession works drive me to pretty much throw it out the window…rather than drive me to delight in this peculiar communication with GOD that moves mountains.

But the Word says, “The effective prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.”

I don’t know what “effective prayer” is supposed to look like exactly. But I know that I know that I know that there have been times in my life where I have prayed…and seen things happen. It’s weird…half of that time I feel like I’m talking to the wall…or myself. But God still heard. Even in my puny faith.

Oh to pray effectively. OH to see breakthroughs in the lives of hurting people around me.

But to have different results, I must have different input.

Thought #3
God has a massive amount of LOVE for me.

Passionate, expansive, self-sacrificing devotion.

I’ve always had a hard time “grasping” God’s love…for ME. I knew it in my head, and don’t get me wrong, it was awesome. But when it came down to my heart, there was disbelief. I KNEW I was loved, but I very rarely felt moved or overwhelmed by His love. There was a disconnect there. I decided a while back that it was something I personally wouldn’t experience this side of heaven.

But I was wrong. And I’m SO glad that I was wrong.

If anyone else out there has struggled in the same way I have…I encourage you: surrender your pride…your belief that your view of yourself trumps God’s view of you. Ask God to open your eyes. Find scriptures about God’s love for YOU and replay them over and over and over again in your mind. Sing songs about His love for YOU. When you hear “I LOVE you” in your head, don’t drown it out with your own excuses and lies.

It’s real.

And it’s a beautiful thing to revel in.

2 down, 3 to go.

2009-03-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

just conquered final #2 of the fall 2008 semester.

take THAT mr. mono.

and my brain feels like it's going to explode...in spanish. :]

...and can i just say, i am oh-so-fond of the weather today.

EXIT COMFORT ZONE.

2009-03-13T17:03:00.001-07:00

"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" [Matthew 5:46-47]

"Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, your heart will be also." [Luke 12:33-34]

I have so much STUFF.

I thought I wasn't attached...that it didn't really mean that much to me. I thought that when the time came, I could abandon it all and serve the poor and lowly in africa, or india, or the inner city...i could live that rugged life.

haha. RIGHT.

In the past two weeks God has brought to mind DAILY deep questions about my own willingness to let go. One night as I was laying in bed, asking for the Lord's direction, I felt him bringing to mind two articles of clothing: a yellow shirt and a pair of shorts.

Uh...You're not asking me to give them up, are you?

[a definite feeling in my spirit that God wanted surrender.]

Okay, seriously, Lord? Those are like my favorite pieces of clothing. I must be hearing you wrong.

[again, deep in my heart, i know i'm dancing around his request.]

After about 15 minutes of me groping for an excuse...
Okay Lord, you can have the shirt. But...seriously...those are my favorite shorts! I JUST bought them last fall. I haven't even WORN them that much. You're not calling me to waste my money like that, are you? (HAHA..i can't believe i said that! :] )What if I give into you "supposedly" asking me to give them up...and I can't find any modest shorts NEXT summer?

[TRUST ME.]

BAH! I'll think about this is the morning.

...wait, I'm REALLY not going to obey if I don't obey now...

After a LONG battle, most of which I'll spare you, I finally moved these two silly pieces of clothing to my giveaway pile and went to sleep.

but DUDE. I did NOT realize I was so attached to these things. Why was that so unbelievably hard to me? To be honest, this experience kinda scared me and has made me take a hard look at myself in light of the Lord's calling for us to take up our cross and follow Him.

"Lukewarm people give money to charity and go to church... as long as it doesn't impinge upon their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so..." --Francis Chan [Crazy Love]

About a week ago, I finally felt like I'd come to a place where I was willing to give up the "extra" things in life...the extra sweater and mug and CD...But God doesn't want the extra.

He wants our hearts.

He wants our trust.

He wants our full abandon.

Oh Lord! Take it away! Take away this attachment to items that get worn out and forgotten. Take away the attachment to my own comfort. Show me how to really love YOU! Even when I cannot see and I do not understand.

Change this heart.

[new things]

2009-02-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

Sleepless once more.

My eyelids are falling, but I can’t seem to shut off my brain. I guess it’s hard to fall asleep when your heart is only half in it and you’d really rather be mulling over thoughts about the future…

I have had the most bizarre and fantastic time with perfect strangers this week. I’ve had a child I’ve never seen come up to me, take me by the hand and ask me to play with her. Talk about my heart melting. Ha. I shared a carefree and fascinating conversation with a gal from Bosnia and a gal from Croatia on Tuesday while sipping coffee and enjoying the lovely night air. They have only a few American friends and want to make our evenings at the White Rhino a regular thing. I couldn’t be more delighted. I had two middleschoolers come sit next to me (one of them talking nearly non-stop for an hour and 30 min…but ya know hey..) at starbucks tonight while I was writing a paper.

Really guys. Am I wearing a sign that says “I have Jesus. He’s amazing. Come talk to me!” hanging from my neck? Or has my recently changed perspective…this new burning desire to REALLY share the love I’ve found in Jesus with everyone I come in contact with…has it somehow translated into more opportunities? Or am I just noticing them? and walking in them?

I don't know...but it's the coolest thing ever.

I'm yawning. This is good. Sleep attempt #2.

To obey, or to disobey? ...that is the question.

2009-02-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the delay in my posting…it’s actually a very good thing though, because if I had posted any sooner I would’ve beat myself up over it. On january 20th I posted a rather brutal blurb about what God was teaching me about obedience, etc… and at the end I commited to not post again until I had followed through with obeying the Lord with something that he told me to do a while ago. umm… four YEARS ago, actually. I’ve been dancing around the issue, trying to decide whether I trusted the Lord enough to actually follow through… did He reeeeeeeeally ask me to do this? (Yes. You know I’ve asked you to.) Is there annnny other way around this? (Obey me.) What’s the response going to be?! (That’s not for you to know. Trust and obey Me.) AHHH.

Anyway, I published the post, but that evening, kept feeling a nudging to take it down…I was so confused. Wasn’t I trying to step forward and pull the accountability card so that I’d actually DO IT? …I realize now, maybe the post was indeed for my accountability…but maybe for my eyes only. Several times since then I thought about posting again…I have sure MISSED BLOGGING!…figuring that no one had even had time to read my post before I took it down. But NO!! I decided (several times, haha) to actually follow through with my commitment.

Well friends, it is DONE. (I feel like there should be some loud, dramatic music sounding right now…trumpets or cymbals or something exotic..) A very difficult letter that has gone through many different faces and revisions has finally been rewritten for the 3rd time…and SENT. Sent. What a beautiful word. :]

This has definitely been the doing-hard-things-that-i-really-don’t-want-to-do-because-i-know-God-told-me-to semester. Good grief.

Maybe the first of many. Maybe this is part of walking the walk and not just talking it. oh dear.

" Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. " [james 1:22-25]

More posts to come!!! YAY! :D

A Seeming Contradiction

2009-01-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

yesterday brought a weird mixture of pain and peace. weird how that happens.

after a long road, we had to say goodbye to our little kitty of ten years yesterday afternoon. it's always weird how the loss of a treasured pet can leave such a hole in your heart. bah. somehow, through all of the discussions my family has had over this cat...all of my tears and trying to learn to see things from other people's perspectives... even though it all came to this awful ending... crazy enough, i think my family has been brought closer. we've learned to relate and communicate better...to sympathize. pain and peace.

then last night, after two and half weeks of feeling "great", i had another bump in the road. all i did was vacuum ONE room and sweep two...and suddenly i was flat on my back EXHAUSTED. a good 24 hours later, here i am, unable to stand up without clinging to a piece of furniture and hanging onto it for dear life while the room stops spinning. mm. here in this place again.

and yet, it seems there is this finality--this peaceful assurance--and i finally see that i am truly NOT ready to be back at school...that my body truly cannot take "life" as i knew it before-- not yet. it will come. but i don't think it has come. i want so badly to be back...but i want all the more to follow what HE has planned for me. is this the confirmation i've been looking for? mm.

One of the many verses I've clung to recently:

“You, Oh Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God?” Psalm 18:28-31

He's not confused. He's not having timing issues.

His way is perfect.

tonight brought a long nap on the couch and an overdose of PURE JOY: the team is in the process of reserving FLIGHTS TO UGANDA.

oh goodness. i wanna run around the neighborhood and shout for joy. :) may 21-june 30.

thinking outside the box...

2009-01-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

i’ve honestly tried to post several times since the last one…but alas, my posts always get swallowed by the computer as i click submit.

don’t know if that made you feel any better about my blogging consistency. i suppose it's actually an attempt to make myself feel better. oh well.

ANYHOW.

super fast recap:
sept/oct = Jessica + “anemia”
nov = medicated & rather delirious Jessica + 5 drs and a lot of testing + thanksgiving :)
dec = very sleepy Jessica + 13 huge blood tests + withdrawing from school + Christmas
conclusion of 2009 = i’ve had mono. HA! MONO. negative mono test results 3 months ago were wrong. Ooooh well.

so………while being in my mono-ed condition, i’ve had a copious supply of thoughts. about…like…everything.

i don’t know if you can see it from the outside, but i FEEL like a completely COMPLETELY different person than i was 3 months ago. God be blessed for allowing me to have mono. but maybe that’s a trail to follow in another post.

tonight, my thoughts search out what next semester might hold. all of Christmas break, i’ve been trying every tactic i can think of to get myself in a place where i can go back to school…knowing the potential of:
[x] my beloved apartment--right by the pond
[x] 4 precious roomies
[x] time outside on an exquisite campus
[x] courses i’ve been looking forward to (SONGWRITING? I mean, really?!)
[x] cooking again.
[x] college life in general. i love college life in general.

but then as i was laying in bed tonight (i should know better than to explore these thoughts on my way to bed), wondering what it might look like to do what i’ve fought for so long… TAKING THE SEMESTER OFF. I hardly believe myself for thinking it. But really? what if i took this opportunity to:
[x] spend time with my brother his last semester before college?
[x] teach myself guitar? “master” the djembe?
[x] what about coming out with the CD i’ve been trying to put together for 3 years?
[x] get to know my neighbors and share jesus with them?
[x] take a flight to connecticut to spend time one-on-one with my grandma?

Mmm.

what a blessing opportunity is.

on a slightly different note…have i mentioned how excited i am about going to africa?

This might be messy...

2008-11-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

well, tonight was going to be my night to go to bed early. but here i am lying in bed, and it seems i have a billion and one things on my mind. pardon the lack of organization and cohesion, but i've got to spill.

[x] one of my students dropped my Jazz class today. my heart hurts.
[x] lifeline yesterday. the body of believers...so many of us...are so BROKEN. we need Jesus. Satan is ATTACKING and half the time we are so oblivious. Teach me how to pray, Jesus.
[x] i want to go to africa. so so badly. God is moving in my heart. ah. uganda soon?
[x] went to starbucks this morning...saw a woman with her boys in the parking lot... one of them was SO angry...so filled with rage...beat his fists against his mother's legs as she walked...she looked so lifeless. checked out. Again, I was burdened with the desperateness for Jesus among our human race. He is what we need.
[x] i then looked down at my table with my little cup of coffee, my open bible, and my computer playing music through headphones. and i was disgusted with myself. i talk the talk. all the time. but GOOD GRIEF. i am called to be an ambassador of Christ. SURE i prayed for her. But HOW ABOUT LOVING HER?! How about getting out into the dozens of "rough" neighborhoods within 5 miles of my own house and be JESUS to those who don't know of his saving power?

...how on EARTH do I get so attached to all of my stuff? How do I have those moments when I really think I "NEED" something...be it a new pair of shoes or an ipod adaptor. How do I still get tangled in the things of this world? ...and in the process, MISS the reason we are here?

DUH, Jessica. Cause I don't gaurd my heart. I don't remind myself of the truth enough. I don't keep "the HOPE of Jesus Christ" on the forefront of my mind. Sure, it's my "out" when things are rough...but do I really BELIEVE in and walk out the power of grace in my own life? ...enough to want to SHARE that gift with others?

Bah. I think that's enough for tonight. I could go on and on.

Cast your cares on the Lord, for He cares for you. Jessica, He cares for you. Even in your screwed up motives and laziness and impatience. He treasures you.

Quite confused

2008-10-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

...but still hanging on.

I KNOW God is good. I know He's got a heart of wisdom and that He will work ALL things together for good in this situation.

I just don't see the whole picture right now. and it's driving me crazy.

I find myself in a daily battle to keep my hope in the Lord.

If nothing else, this experience has certainly given me an enormous respect for those who keep their heads up while battling a long-term disease that leaves them weak and feeling like half of themselves. Like those who have cancer. Oh my word. I have such a respect for those who have cancer..

And maybe something else too...I think I've seen strength-- physical strength, that is-- as something of my own accord-- as if I was the one giving it to myself or something...and now that physical strength is a precious rarity, I think maybe I'm finally realizing WHERE my source of strength comes from. What a gift it is...

"For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?" - 1 cor 4:7

I keep thinking: I just wanna be normal. I just wanna feel well again.

But NO. I just want more of Jesus. I want what HE wants for my life.

...even surrender.

ah. that's enough for today.

I will cling to His unfailing love.

Overdose of lovingkindness

2008-10-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

My heart is bursting right now.

It seems I have an abundance of everything. I have a gracious and compassionate God. I am so blessed. So undeserving of God's lovingkindness. And yet, my life is dripping with it.

Let's back it up.

I did not expect to have a week like this. A bumpy, confusing one. This is day six of struggling with iron-deficiency issues. Firstly, physically, I've never felt quite like this. Let's just say iron is rather essential to normal functioning. Secondly though...my heart has been pulled in so many directions this week. The enemy has been after my heart. And I believed his lies. I DID NOT GAURD MY HEART. I ate up the discouragement, and it poisoned me. Self, self, self. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, it was as if everything was caving in. I couldn't see straight.

But praise be to the Lifter of my head. He is a gracious and merciful savior. I've been so disloyal to Him this week. And yet, he is patient. Like my Hosea, He takes me back in all of my junk.

And it's like it's all the sweeter coming back. Only in this past hour have I been truly thankful that I got sick. Time and time again, it's like the Lord has to smash me on the head before I wake up to things. Not because He's cruel. NO. Not because He's confusing and sporadic. Because He wants me to LIVE life and not run through it.

I am drowning in blessings. Life itself is undeserved.

One week ago today, someone prayed for me that I would learn to take each day one at a time and truly live them.

I think Im beginning to get it. Maybe.

Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the LORD. " Lamentations 3:19-26

Missing out? Not any more...

2008-09-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Community is so so SWEET.

The body of Christ. Iron sharpening iron. Accountability. Intercession. Encouragement and confrontation.

Like parts of a body. working and moving together. each with it's own purpose...each needing the support of the other...each giving to support the others.

What a beautiful thing. I want to dive into it deeper than ever before.

That was ONE week?

2008-09-20T22:35:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this verse tonight, and it seems to put a finger on what I'm feeling tonight.

"The Lord will strike Egypt, striking but healing; so they will return to the Lord, and He will return to them and will heal them." [Isaiah 19:22]

He has taken away so many things this week...and yet, I don't think I've ever felt so abundantly blessed. Some things the Lord has taken away without my consent, and some things He has asked me to give up. Why? Because He knows best. Because He wants me to attach my heart to the LIFE SOURCE--not to an empty cistern.

Though He slay me, I will trust in Him.

Why? Because He wants to bring me back to life. Not the life I was experiencing before. But REAL life. From the Living God.

It seems my heart is softer than it's ever been. And I don't want that to ever change. I want more of Jesus. So much more. I truly, for once in my life, want LESS of ME. I trust Him this week more than I did last week. Oh, that I would trust Him more next week than I do right now.

Everything is beautiful in His timing. When I step out of His timing, I miss out on the beautiful.

I'm hungry. That means it's time for bed.

Peace out.

blogging. oh how i've missed you.

2008-08-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

what a sweet treasure it is to express one's thoughts in writing. mm. i've missed this. as a new semester begins and it seems everything in my life has a new beginning, i thought it time that i return to blogging.

so here it goes.